La solitude lumineuse

Video creation, 2020
Videos, movement and edition by me
Song: Underwaterfall by Bearcubs

I created this as the end result of my own workshop ”Sensualidad : Alquimia y Sanacion”. In this workshop, I share my creative process with my students, which involves transforming my anguish and pain in creation.

For this particular video, I was working with my contradicting fear and thrill to start studying Somatic Sex Education. I was scared of facing my own sexual traumas, and of the isolation from intimate relationships that can come with working as a sex educator.

But when I watched the final result, it sent me a message so different than my intention. I watch this video and I see a beautiful relationship that I have with myself. All of the videos were recorded on my own, with my cellphone, in selfie mode, during the first months of the pandemic. And instead of seeing isolation, I see power and beauty in my loneliness. I literally SEE what I feel about my body being my only home, and how I nurture this relationship daily. As someone who has always felt in the liminal space : in-between languages, in-between genders, in-between homes, in-between countries; I learn more and more that my home is here, now, within myself and within the passion that my body gives me. I have always felt the happiest in movement. Between here and there, enjoying the road.

I grew more compassionate of myself by understanding my self in a relationship with myself. If you wake up beside the same person every single day, and you don’t have a break from them, even when you go to the bathroom, you’ll probably get annoyed with them. I know I would. And that’s how I feel about myself. For my whole life I’ve had a hard time appreciating my own company so often. Finally, thinking about me as my own partner makes me see that even when I annoy myself, I still love myself.

* I had lost a lot of weight because of emotional reasons prior to this video, what you can see is not my healthy weight.